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Keepin' it Real Blog

Searching for Glimmers of Joy

3/7/2023

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Searching for Glimmers of Joy

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So, it turns out I’m kind of a cutting edge groundbreaker! 🤣

I recently saw a reel on Instagram that talked about ‘glimmers,’ and it struck me that I TOTALLY take notice of glimmers — I just never knew they had a name!!

Are you curious about glimmers? I was, too!


Licensed clinical social worker, Deb Dana, coined the term ‘glimmers’ in her book, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation.

Dana explained that glimmers are the opposite of triggers. Rather than a cue that prepares your body to take action in order to stay safe (think, fight or flight), a glimmer cues your body for calm and safety (think, rest & digest). Glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system and move the body into a feeling of safety and connection. 

Why is this important to me??

So many clients come to me struggling with balance - kids, work, daily routines, etc. They feel like they are putting out fires all day long and not experiencing the joy in parenting. And, because of that, their tolerance level is paper thin. 

How do we increase tolerance? By lowering our stress levels. How do we lower our stress levels? Well, one way is to allow more joy into our lives…More micro-moments of self care.

This idea around Glimmers is a reminder that there is so much joy out there that goes unnoticed - we just have to look for it!

Your brain is wired to find the challenges and dangers in life. It’s time to retrain your brain to find the good and the joy in your days!

Here’s how I take notice of glimmers -

When I notice myself feeling fully connected with what I'm doing, who I’m with or where I am, I take a mental screenshot. I check in with my heart and my senses to pay close attention to all the sensations I’m experiencing at that very moment — the way the sun feels, the sounds of laughter, the feeling of connectedness with my family, the colors of the sky…whatever it may be, I just pause and allow myself to recognize, process and take it allllll in!

I use this little hack as one of my self-care practices. It’s quick, easy, doesn’t cost a dime and brings me peace and joy. 

In the moment, glimmers allow me to slow down and savor an experience. They remind me to delight in the present, count my blessings and remember that all things are passing.

Glimmers also allow me to revisit all those special spaces. When I need a little pick-me-up, I can pause and ‘open’ one of my glimmers. In an instant, I’m reconnected with all those feelings once again!

I’m guessing you could easily rattle off a list of things that trigger you. That would make sense since the human brain is designed to watch for warning signals to keep us safe. Because of this, it takes a bit of work to spy glimmers in our everyday lives. We have to be more intentional to spot them.  

Ready to start finding glimmers in your day? 
Here are 5 tips to get you started!

1- Put down your phone! — Stop occupying every free moment with a scroll. Just slow down and take the time to check in on yourself and your surroundings. 

2- Practice mindfulness — When you’re noticing a moment full of joy and connection, pause and soak it all in! Get in touch with your senses to bottle up all those sensations.

3- Break out your photos — Looking through photos could bring you back to special moments and spark some glimmer into your day. I can still feel the warm water and the soft sand as my son and I searched for sea glass during our sunrise walk in the photo above!
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4- Essential Oils & Candles — Find a candle or essential oil that smells like the beach or a favorite past vacation. Scents can trigger memories and quickly bring you to your happy place.

5- Challenge Yourself — Try and fill your day finding glimmers rather than triggers. Can you find small glimmers as you go through your day? How can you challenge yourself to take notice of a glimmer in the smallest moments? Maybe a cup of coffee, a friendly stranger, a cozy blanket, or snuggles with your child or pet? 

What you focus on grows! If you actively look for glimmers throughout your day, you will certainly be more open to spotting them. Include them into your self-care routine and help bring yourself to a calmer state. What a gift for your parasympathetic nervous system and YOU! 

I wonder where will you find glimmers in your day?  
Happy glimmer hunting! 


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Are Your Child's Meltdowns Melting YOU Down?

2/3/2023

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Are Your Child's Meltdowns Melting YOU Down?

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Can you recall a time you were having a problem with your child? 

Perhaps a situation when you were both focused on an agenda — two completely different agendas, that is! (Yours being the more rational agenda, of course — I see you, parents!)

Maybe your particular struggle is sibling rivalry, breaking away from screens or just getting out of the house on time…maybe it’s ALL of these things!

Whatever struggle you're facing with your child, you do your best to handle it. But does it feel like you are just stuck in an endless loop of frustration and yelling with your child? If this sounds familiar, I’d like to tell you that this is totally normal and happens to ALL of us!

Nobody is perfect. Parenting is hard. Kids push all the right buttons at all the wrong times. And yet, there is hope! 


If your child’s meltdowns are melting you down, I have a few thoughts and ideas for you.

Separate the problem from your child
Your child is not the problem, your child is having a problem. Brain development and sensory integration play a big role in your child’s meltdowns — keep in mind, tantrums are a totally normal part of development! Children don't have the life experience or tools to recognize, anticipate, manage and/or regulate big emotions that can lead to meltdowns.
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When you separate the problem from your child, it’s easier to see yourselves as teammates ready to work towards solutions together.

Reframe your thoughts
Quick tip → The next time you're feeling frustrated with your child, try reframing your thoughts to a more positive mindset.

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Why is this important?
When you shift your thoughts to a more positive outlook, you work within a growth mindset. Your brain becomes open to creative ideas and solutions rather than getting stuck in feelings of helplessness.

A positive mindset increases empathy and understanding towards others which can help strengthen your relationships. This practice will help you connect with your child.

And, perhaps most importantly, your words matter! They will become your child’s inner voice. Maintaining a positive outlook will encourage you to model words of hope and possibility for your child.  

How do I start? Try these three steps:
1) Slow Down! Notice when your mind starts to percolate and engages in negative thoughts. 
2) Pause! Is this an emergency or can you pause for a quick calming moment of self care and clarity?
3) Tap into Compassionate Self Talk! Be patient with yourself, you are breaking a cycle here! Can you think of something you would say to your best friend at this moment? What calming words would you want to hear from a friend? 

You’ve got this!
Reframing your thoughts is not something that happens overnight, it's something that requires practice and dedication. 
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Reframing your thoughts is key to finding some clarity over tough moments. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s learning how to navigate tough situations as best you can. You don’t have control over your children, but you can control the way you see your children, your thoughts around your situation and the way you respond. What will you choose?

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Those 5 Dreaded Words: "You're Going To Miss This!"

8/23/2022

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Those 5 Dreaded Words: "You're Going To Miss This!"

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“You’re going to miss this!” is probably not the encouragement you were hoping for while trying to survive a difficult parenting moment with a shred of dignity and grace. 

Those five dreaded words, ‘You’re going to miss this’. 

While this phrase may be accurate, these five words can leave a parent feeling guilty for not enjoying every single moment of parenting. (Newsflash, we were not created to enjoy every single moment of parenting!)

Parenthood is made up of many different phases — I like to call them seasons. While every season will stretch your limits and expand your heart, they will also challenge you in unique ways. There will be seasons that will pass by quickly, while others will have you questioning if you’ll be stuck there forever!

You cannot control how quickly you will move through a season, but you can control how you perceive each season. Rather than looking back with rose-colored glasses, you could choose to see the good while living in the moment. 

You might be asking yourself HOW? How do I uncover the good while amid such a tiring and stressful season of parenting? 

It’s not about sugar-coating or turning a blind eye to the hard moments. But what if you could soften the edges a bit to keep your eyes fixed on what is truly important? All those moments you’ll want to remember and celebrate - the bonding, the smiles, the accomplishments and growth - your child’s and your own!

It is possible for two things to be true: Parenting is hard AND parenting has many joyful moments. 

How can you weather through the hard seasons that are constantly changing while being able to enjoy the small moments? As you go through your days, rather than thinking of those five dreaded words, maybe you could consider these five helpful tips!

1.  Find the truths. It may feel easier to spot what is hard right now, but where are the other truths? What is also happening?
  • “This is a tough season AND there are moments of joy here.”  
  • “Understanding a new developmental stage is tough AND I’m a good parent.”​

2.  Find the opportunity rather than the responsibility. Reframing your ‘chores’ into an opportunity can help shift your mindset.
  •  “I don’t have to have to ____, I get to ____.”

3.  Reframe & shift your perspective. Remind yourself this is a season and it will pass. 
  • “We aren’t in a routine YET”
  • “For now, drop-off at school is hard, and we’re working on it.”
  • “This is not an emergency. I can let this go for now.

4.  Reflect and find the good in your situation. Ask yourself:
  • What worked well today?
  • How did I parent well today?
  • What made my child smile or laugh today?
  • What strengths are working for me right now?

​5.  Allow yourself some grace. Things will never be *perfect*  Let go of perfection and live in the abundance of *enough*
  • Stick to your priorities and let the rest go - cut yourself some slack.
  • What do YOU need to make your day go smoothly? 
  • What resources can you rely on? 

These five tips will help you shift your mindset and find the good in the tough moments. Being more aware of those sweet moments will help you fill your ‘gratitude bank’ and help ease the stressors of difficult seasons. 

And, while we’re on the topic of shifting mindsets and finding the good on our parenting journeys, I have five other words to offer you. Rather than, “You’re going to miss this,” let’s start saying, “You’re doing a great job!” and “You will get through this!” Because BOTH things are true!


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Just Buy the Sliced Fruit!

6/7/2022

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Just Buy The Sliced Fruit
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3 Tips to Reduce Your Triggers

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It pains me to admit, but I can be a wasteful person…with the best intentions, of course! Each week at the grocery store, like many parents, I buy a bunch of fruit.  Not just the simple ‘wash/peel & go’ varieties like apples and bananas, I buy the more high maintenance varieties like whole cantaloupe and pineapple.  

I love having these beauties on hand because I want to have healthy snacks for the family, and I feel like I’m getting the best bang for my buck by avoiding the upcharge for pre-sliced fruits. 

So, I buy those oversized pieces of fruit, lug them home and set them on the counter with the intention to cut them up sometime soon. And, as you can guess, ‘sometime soon’ is often not soon enough!

I’ll walk past that cantaloupe and think, “Oh! I have to remember to cut that up today!”  The next day, I’ll walk past it and think, “Ugh. I reeeeally need to cut that up! Don’t forget!” — Spoiler alert, I’ll forget! Soon that sorry looking piece of fruit will be past its prime and no longer edible. Next thing you know, I’m secretly burying that melon in the trash to avoid having to explain my wasteful behavior to my family.

As I’m hiding the cantaloupe in the trash, I’m overcome with guilt and disappointment.  My inner judge goes into hyperdrive: “Why are you so wasteful? You are so lazy! All you had to do was cut the fruit! You couldn’t even find time for that? Just like all the other things you ‘never’ find time for. Way to go…”  And, boom! Just like that, I’m in a crummy mood and a step away from snapping at the next person who crosses my path the wrong way.

Then it occurs to me, am I really allowing a piece of fruit to determine my self-worth and mood for the day?!?! Am I going to allow this to get the best of me, leaving my family with the worst of me?

Let’s be honest, the moral of this story is not about cutting fruit. It’s really about cutting yourself some slack! It’s a reminder that it’s ok to reprioritize and let things go in order to make space for what truly matters in your life — your well being and family connections.  

Parenting is hard, even on the best days. And on those tough ‘seriously, why me?!?’ days, parenting can feel even harder! When we are overloaded with stress, we just don’t have the capacity to deal with one more negotiation, one more request, one more tantrum. Rather than showing up as the calm, rational parent, on those days there’s a greater likelihood to overreact and blow up.

In the book, How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, Dr. Carla Naumburg encourages parents to take care of themselves so they can show up for their kids with less drama, and more patience and calmness. She believes when parents notice themselves losing it with their kids, it’s usually a red flag that something is going on within themselves. Things like negative self-talk, overscheduling, trying to do it all, lack of self care, not enough sleep, anxiety, chronic pain, disorganization, unresolved trauma, financial worries, life changes…get the idea?

The good news? We can work towards a solution! Naumburg offers three suggestions to help parents get through their day feeling less triggered and more calm.

Step 1: Realization
Realize what your triggers are, and identify the moments you are feeling triggered. When you catch yourself, take notice if you are tired, hungry, struggling with pain, going through a life change, dealing with clutter, or have too much on your plate.  How do you react when you’re feeling triggered? Do you yell? Slam doors? Become passive-aggressive? Tear yourself down with negative self talk?

Step 2: Acceptance
When you realize you are in a state of feeling triggered, allow yourself some self-compassion. Don’t let that inner judge shoot you down even more! Accept that you are triggered. Pause. Take a deep breath and get ready to work out a plan.

Step 3: Action
Now that you are aware of what is going on, what can you do about it? Is there something you can change at that moment? Are you expecting too much right now? Perhaps there is something you can let go of? Like I said earlier, where can you cut yourself some slack?
Could you consider:
  • Taking a break
  • Get to bed early
  • Putting your phone away
  • Letting go of perfection and order 
  • Being more compassionate with yourself 
  • Allowing yourself to be more flexible
  • Learning to say ‘no’ to unnecessary activities that don’t fulfill you
  • Letting go of the ‘shoulds’ 
  • Asking for help and relying on outside resources

Caring for your own needs is necessary in order to take care of others. Self-compassion can help preserve your patience and allow you to be more present for yourself, your loved ones and your priorities. 

Moving forward, I plan on being kinder to myself. No more allowing fruit to bring me down, cluttering up my mind with criticism and stealing my patience. No more wasted energy and stress from ruminating on negative self talk. Next time at the grocery store, I plan to cut myself some slack and head straight for the refrigerator section for the sliced fruit! 

Where will you cut yourself some slack? How will you give yourself a break today? 

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Less is More! 5 Tips to Declutter your Words and Reduce Power Struggles

4/21/2022

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Less is More!
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5 Tips to Declutter your Words and Reduce Power Struggles!

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“My kids just don’t listen!” is something I commonly hear from my coaching clients. Truth be told, I often feel this way myself!  

Does this sound familiar? You find yourself talking to your kids in a lecturey kind of way. You get caught up in delivering continuous directions, reminders, rationales and lectures. Nag, nag, nag, nag.  

And often, your kids may come back at you with the eye roll or ignore you with that glazed-over look. Sometimes they may reward you with a redundant, hollow 'uh-huh’ as a response. While other times, sass-talk is their preferred comeback.  

No matter your child’s age, if your request doesn’t line up with their agenda, kids may just block out the noise. This delicate dance of parental requests and children failing to follow through can lead to a power struggle of epic proportions, leaving both parties feeling disappointed.

This frustration may have us thinking, “My kids just don’t listen” or “My kids are so difficult!”  But is that really true? Children may feel difficult at times, but are they really difficult or are we just missing something? What if we made a shift to look at the situation from a different angle? A perspective that encourages us to approach our children with curiosity, empathy and compassion. A perspective that allows us to get to the root of the issue and remove the power struggle.  

How would it feel to change the narrative using a positive framework that offers an opportunity for change and growth? For example, rather than thinking, “My kids just don’t listen,” try, “My kids and I are having a hard time communicating well.” This framework identifies communication as the problem, rather than the children.    

A constant stream of telling our kids what to do is not ideal for creating independent thinkers, problem solvers and doers. Keeping communication short and sweet may be more helpful. Think of it like the Minimalist movement - Less is More!  

The Minimalist movement is more than decluttering your space á la Marie Kondo. The idea of Minimalism is not to declutter often, but to restructure your mindset to understand that less is more all the time. It’s about shifting your habits and beliefs around how you approach materials like your furnishings, your clothing, your foods, etc.  

How would it feel to approach words in a similar way? Creating a shift in your mindset to declutter your language and let the important words take center stage. Communicating in a way that aligns with your values and supports the kind of people you would like your children to become? 

Here are 5 strategies that use Less Words to get More Cooperation!

1 - Walk the Talk!! 
Your children may not hear everything you say, but they certainly see everything you do!  And they are pickin’ up whatever it is you are puttin’ down. Think of it this way - a gardener tends very carefully to a newly planted seedling. For quite some time, it may seem as if nothing is happening until one day a shoot finally pops up! There was very important work happening below the soil that the gardener could not see! Be patient with your kids, model what you value and hope to take shape. Your kids are noticing and forming their roots, too!

2 - Connection is Key
A child at play is a child with an agenda! It's tough for children (AND adults!) to stop an activity they are enjoying. Expecting your child to switch gears quickly can be tricky. A sudden pump on the brakes may certainly get some pushback! Take a moment to connect with your child before giving a direction or making a request. Click here for 10 Tips for Connecting with your child.

3 - Ask Questions & Get Curious
Open-ended questions can help promote autonomy and strengthen problem-solving skills. By asking questions, the child is invited to become a part of the process. Some questions may look like this:
  • What will you need to do so you’re ready for practice?  How much time should that take? What should you do next? How can I support you? What is your plan?

4 - Foster Independence 
You can reduce your language and promote independence with the following strategies:
  • Use a timer - You can use an oven timer, an egg timer, the timer on your phone or even a sand timer for visual learners! I love using timers because it lessens the power struggle by taking the parent out of the equation. Here are a few ways to incorporate a timer into your routine: 
    • Set the timer for a chunk of time to complete an activity (For example, ‘2 minute tidy up’ or 20 minutes to focus on math homework, etc.)
    • Use the timer as a warning that a transition is about to happen. (I’m setting the timer for 2 minutes and then it will be time for lunch)
    • *PRO-TIP* Give your kids some control of the timer! Consider allowing your kids to help choose how much time they need, choose the sound/music for the alarm, or be the one who starts/turns off the timer.
  • Use measurable actions - If you don’t have access to a timer, consider using something physical or visual to measure time. For example: 
    • “Three more pushes on the swing and then it’s time to go.” 
    • “When this show is over, we’ll get ready for the tub”
    • *PRO-TIP* Allow your child some agency. Let them choose how many pushes on the swing before leaving the park; Let them click the remote control to turn off the tv.
  • Use a schedule - Create a list or picture schedule for simple routines. Children can quickly learn routines and build their independence as they follow along with a schedule. The best part is parents can use very limited language! Simple statements like, “What’s next?” or “Now what will you do?” may be all the prompting you need!
    • Make schedules for wake-up routine, bedtime routine, or getting off to school. For older kids - after school/homework routine, getting chores completed, etc. 
    • Creating schedules can be as easy as writing a list, creating drawings by hand, using cutouts from a magazine, or utilizing free websites like Canva to print out images.
    • *PRO-TIP* Laminate your pictures and use velcro to stick them to a surface. Your kids can remove each step as they move through the schedule. 

5 - Allow Your Child Some Space
Not everything is an emergency or a ‘must do right now.’ Reduce the power struggle by allowing your child some control when appropriate.
  • Consider giving your child a ‘needs to be completed by’ time to take the pressure off getting something done immediately.
  • Ask your child when they would like to complete an activity. (“Would you like to brush your teeth before or after you get dressed?” or “It’s your turn to walk the dog. When will you fit that into your afternoon?”)
  • If using a schedule, consider allowing your child to create the order of the routine. (You need to brush your teeth, put on pj’s and use the toilet before bedtime. What would you like to do first, second and third?)

Take the frustration out of communication. Less is more!  Our kids do listen, we just have to speak less so they can hear.  

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Caught in a Parenting Tidal Wave? 3 Tips to Help You Find Your Footing Again!

3/28/2022

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Caught in a ParentingTidal Wave?  
​3 Tips to Help You Find Your Footing Again!

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​‘Life’ has been happening in my house, in a very ‘extra’ kind of way. My regular hustle-bustle has been met with challenges outside of my control, and keeping up with it all has been quite the task. I’ve found myself saying things like, “Ok, as soon as I get through (fill in the blank), things will slow down.”  I’ve found myself feeling depleted, short-tempered, scattered, and just not feeling my best.  You know when you’re burning the candle at both ends? Well, it’s like my candle has been completely engulfed in flames. 

I know I’m in good company here. Many of my clients come to me with similar struggles. I often hear comments like, “I feel like I’m just putting out fires in my house!” or “We’re drowning over here.”  So many of us are good, busy parents trying to balance everything, feeling spread too thin and then falling short where it really counts.

Many parents I know work so hard just to stay afloat of the nonstop demands, and the constant push and pull of their attention holds them back from feeling successful. These ‘tidal wave’ parenting moments make it hard for parents to find their footing, and nearly impossible to keep up with all the demands.

We operate as best we can in ‘survival mode’ to keep up when we’re feeling stuck and overwhelmed. We may find ourselves making decisions that do not align with our values. We may tend to go against our better judgment. We may feel short tempered, impatient and reactive rather than responsive with our children. Have you ever found yourself caught up in this tidal wave?

I had been treading water for quite some time before realizing I was truly over my head and getting tossed around my own tidal wave. Ideally, I’d like to have this awareness BEFORE getting completely caught up, but we’re all a work in progress, right? 

Don’t let that tidal wave bring you down! Here are some tips to help you feel more grounded so you can find your footing!

Check-in with yourself
  • When you have the awareness that something is off, pause.  Quiet the noise.  Check-in with yourself. You are a good parent going through a tough time!
  • Get curious. Are you getting it all done? Are you getting it all done well? Is the pressure triggering you? Who or what may be suffering from your attention being pulled in so many directions? 
  • How can you reframe these challenges and see them as opportunities for growth or change?

Reassess & Reprioritize 
  • This is the great time to check in with your values.  How well are you aligned with your values at the moment?  Get a copy of my Values Wheel here to help you see where your alignment could use some adjusting. 
  • Take some time to make a list of your priorities, keeping the highest priorities at the top of your list. Those last few items at the bottom of your list, go ahead and scratch them off! It’s ok! Toss the guilt and scratch them for now. They’ll still be there later when you have more bandwidth, or maybe you’ll find out they weren’t that important after all! 

Take Charge!
  • Know your resources. Is there a service that can lighten your load? Can you call on a professional for help or advice? (a teacher, doctor, house cleaner, delivery service?)
  • Reframe the thought  “I have to…” into “I get to…” This simple shift in thinking may help you see your ‘must-dos’ in a new light. 
  • Slow down. Allow yourself to tap into all your senses to notice the beauty around you, and indulge in some small moments of self-care. 
  • Take control and be more intentional with your calendar. Buy yourself some extra time by chunking similar activities together and scheduling small moments of self care throughout the day. 
  • Consider asking for help. (I am the BIGGEST culprit here! I find it so difficult to ask for help, but I am working on it! And, you should too.) Your friends and family truly want to help, you just need to communicate that! It might sound like this, “I could use some help and I’m not always comfortable asking.”  It really can be that simple. 

When I finally followed my own advice, I found that pushing pause on my newsletters and blogs would give back some time and relieve some of the ‘must do’ pressure I was feeling. By reassessing my values and reprioritizing my responsibilities, I gave myself permission to shelf some tasks and direct my focus where it was truly needed — on my relationships with family, friends and clients.

Reprioritizing can be scary at first. It may feel like you’re neglecting something, when in fact, you will actually be focusing your attention exactly where it’s most needed.  Reprioritizing allows you to use your energy in the most productive way while still keeping your values intact. Toss the guilt, get clear on your values and priorities, and find your footing!

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5 Tips for Reframing Your Self-Talk!

1/10/2022

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5 Tips for Reframing Your Self-Talk!

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Are you looking for one small change to help you live a more positive lifestyle?  A change that would not only help you, but a change that could benefit your whole family?  If your answer is ‘Yes, please!!,’ let’s talk about reframing negative self-talk.

Many of us are familiar with an inner voice that likes to judge and hold us back.  This judge feeds us negative thoughts and tries to keep us from reaching our potential.  Do you know the judge I’m speaking of?  Do you hear that voice right now? 

Here’s the big problem with negative self-talk.  Aside from it holding you from your potential, negative self-talk models an inner voice for your children.  It projects a negative vibe in your home and models what self-talk ‘should’ sound like to your children. 

​If you want your children to be kinder to themselves, a great place to start is to be kinder to yourself.  

Let’s debunk what you may already think about reframing!  Reframing is NOT sugar coating. It is not falsely telling yourself everything is fine.  Reframing IS about finding the good in your situation to help you see a more positive mindset moving forward.  

To me, the best part of reframing is knowing it is something I have control over.  I can acknowledge the ‘fake news’ my inner judge is feeding me and choose to find a better perspective.  I have full control over how I want to perceive any situation and how I want to present myself to my children and others. 

Are you ready to start reframing your self-talk to reflect more positive and energizing thoughts?

Five Tips to get you started -
1. Acknowledge your thoughts
When you notice yourself going down a negative path, press pause and take a breath.  Realize that your inner judge is trying to sabotage your thoughts — remind yourself you have a choice here!  With this awareness, what will you choose to do with your thoughts?

2. Switch “I have to...” to “I get to…”
This simple swap out changes an obligation into an opportunity.  When you think to yourself “I have to,” your mind automatically thinks, ‘chores!’ and the adrenaline rush begins.  By simply stating, “I get to,” you can shift your mindset to see the opportunities within your task.

3. Watch your language! 
Avoid words like ‘always’, ‘never’ and ‘should.’  Using absolute terms like these make phrases seem hopeless.  They’re also inaccurate - there is almost ‘always’ an exception. 

4. Be more open-minded.
Before you decide how the outcome will turn out, why not smell the roses along the way.  Try not to jump to conclusions.  When we catastrophize our situations, we are fixed on only one outcome, when in reality, there are several ways a situation can go.  A fixed mindset limits your possibilities.  A growth mindset is open to an array of choices.  What we focus on grows!  Try to focus on the good and see the possibilities that may come!

5. Show some Compassion.
Are you even aware of the words you use to speak to yourself?  I‘m guessing you’d see things in a more forgiving light if you were speaking about a friend's situation.  What words would you use to speak to your friend?  Consider speaking to yourself in the same manner.  The goal is healthy self-talk.  Healthy self-talk will inspire your child’s healthy self-talk.

Let’s try it!
Get a piece of paper, make two columns (or download my journal entry sheet here), and let’s start reframing!  What are some negative thoughts you might tell yourself?  Now, how would you reframe those thoughts for a friend?  Love yourself & treat yo’self right with positive self-talk!

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Reframing isn’t always easy, but it’s surely worth it!  As it is with many things in life, reframing your self-talk takes practice.  With repetition, your brain will begin to generate new neural pathways allowing positive self-talk and thought processes to feel more automatic.

Where will you choose to focus your attention? Will you choose to dwell on the negatives, or reframe and look towards the positives?                ​​
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New Year, More of Me!

1/3/2022

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New Year, More of Me!

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Are you a  ‘resolutions’ type person?  I used to be the ‘New Year, New Me’ type, but I’m scratching that and trying something new!  This year, I’m going to be the ‘New Year, More of Me!’ type!  I’m bringing in the new year manifesting more of what works well in my life, allowing me to feel my best, most authentic self. 

What do I mean by, “More of Me’?  In 2022, I’m going to be more my true self!  Doing more of what makes me happy.  Living more aligned with my values.  Being more balanced with my time.  Allowing myself more grace when things don’t work out how I’ve envisioned. 

Something I’ve learned as a runner is how important proper form and alignment are for your overall well-being.  If you do not have strong form and your stride is out of alignment, you can create unnecessary wear and tear on your body as you rack up those miles.  Over time, this unintended stress can take a toll, causing discomfort and injury, putting you on the sidelines for a while.  Maintaining strong form while running helps keep the body moving efficiently and balanced, feeling good and spared of unnecessary injury.

Much like running, maintaining your form while engaged with your children can help you to parent efficiently, feel good with your decisions and be spared of unnecessary ‘emotional injuries’, or hard feelings.  I often discuss how parents can work on their form and alignment with my coaching clients. (You can read more about my thoughts on ‘parenting form’ here). 

Looking back on the past year, there were times when my form was certainly slacking, leaving me feeling unsettled and disjointed.  When I looked a little closer, I realized I wasn’t being true to myself during these moments.  There were boundaries I didn’t protect.  There were times when I drifted away from what I valued, allowing my priorities to become shifted.  And, no surprise, these were also the moments my anxiety stepped up a notch and self-doubt crept in.  

Fortunately, there were also many good moments in 2021!  I shared lots of laughs and fond memories connecting with my family.  I’ve grown both personally and professionally.  I’ve had inspiring, creative moments that nudged me to reach outside my comfort zone.  And, no surprise, these were the moments when I felt proud and energized!  Looking a little closer, it was clear these were the moments I was living according to my values and being true to myself!  This is what I’d like to bring into the new year!

How do I get more of that?  How can I find what works in my life and bring more of that into my day to day?  

These are some reflection questions I considered to inspire my intentions for the new year ahead:
  • When were you the happiest and/or most satisfied during the past year?
  • What was it that made those moments feel that way?
  • What did you value about those moments?
  • What is already working here? How can you add to this momentum?
  • How can you create space for more of this in your life moving forward?
  • How will you protect what it is that’s important to you?

After reflecting on these questions, my intention became clear.  I would like to spend 2022 living more aligned with my values and priorities, allowing me to live authentically!  New Year, More of Me!

So, how about you?  How do you intend to approach the new year?  Will you choose to reflect and find your intention for the year to come?  How will you present as your best self in 2022?  I’d love to hear your intentions!


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Santa's Gifts of Tolerance & Respect

12/6/2021

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Santa's Gifts of Tolerance & Respect

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When I was a classroom teacher, I would overhear recess conversations debunking Santa-isms among my students.  There were the students who were the sources of info, there were the hard-core believers who wouldn’t listen to such blasphemy, and those who were on the fence and looking for confirmation from a reliable source!  Ridden with anxiety over the outcome of these conversations, I would redirect the children and ask them to save those discussions for their families at home. I didn’t want to touch those conversations with a 39 and a half foot pole!  

Whether Santa visits your home or not, chances are your family has had a discussion about the Jolly Ol’ St. Nick.  Is he real or not real? Are we lying or are we creating holiday magic? Why does he visit Tommy’s house and not our house?  How should we handle it when our child starts to question the magic?  

This can become a highly charged topic with adults feeling very defensive of their position towards the man in red.  And, rightly so.  The discussion may tap into one’s emotions, reflecting on their upbringing and their feelings towards holidays and traditions.  It may tap into parental instincts to protect one’s child and their feelings.  Emotionally charged topics have us feeling watchful, ready to protect and defend what’s important to us! 

But when I think about this in a broader light, and pull back the lens, I’m able to reframe the situation.  Can there be space for everyone to have their own beliefs?  Does it have to be so binary?  So right or wrong?

Can there be space for everyone to have their own beliefs?
What if, instead of shutting down the conversation with my students, I had made a safe space for them?  A safe space for each student to hold and honor their own beliefs while simultaneously honoring another student's position?  What if I had offered space for guided conversation that would incorporate the gifts of respect, tolerance, compassion and empathy?  A space where everyone could feel heard, understood and accepted no matter what their beliefs were at the time.

Think about it, which snow globe would you rather live in? 
Snow Globe ‘A’ →  Joey believes in Santa and thinks anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and worries for them.  Tommy does not believe in Santa and feels anyone who thinks otherwise is wrong and naive.
~Or~
Snow Globe ‘B’ →  Joey believes in Santa and thinks it’s ok for others to feel how they’d like because all families are unique. Tommy does not believe in Santa and thinks it’s ok for others to feel how they’d like because all families are unique.

Grab a Cocoa & Ask Yourself...
Can you reflect on your own emotions for a moment?  What feelings are bubbling up for you?
  • What message are you sending your children with your reaction to this topic?  Does your reaction match what you value around respect, tolerance, compassion and empathy?
  • What are your family values around tolerance, respect, compassion and empathy?  How do you practice these values?  How do you model these values for your children?
  • If you’re feeling emotionally charged around this topic, can you find a reframe that will help you shift your perspective?
    • Respecting others’ opinions towards this topic can be a great opportunity to highlight how every family is unique and special.
    • Having conversations that allow space for differences in faith, beliefs and family practices will be a great life skill for my child. 

Tolerance. Respect. Compassion. Empathy.
If we are not teaching our children at a young age about tolerance and understanding, when will they begin to engage these virtues?  These are concepts that have to be modeled and practiced to be absorbed and lived.  If we can model and practice these values with our children, we will be setting the stage for a kinder, more compassionate future for all.  

If you know someone who would appreciate this blog, please feel free to share it!  

​Also, click here to learn
 how you can prepare your mindset, get a better perspective, and be ready to handle tense holiday situations with grace and clarity! 

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Prep Ya'Self Before You Wreck Ya'Self!

11/23/2021

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Prep Ya'Self Before You Wreck Ya'Self!

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Do you love 'The Holidays' but dread the way these special days unfold for your kids?  Are you apprehensive about the change in routine for the winter holiday season?  If so, you are not alone, my friend! You are not alone! While the holidays can be a joyous time to spend with family and loved ones, the events may also involve some tense moments and conversations.  

When my children were younger, my husband and I would have mixed feelings towards the big celebration days. While they were fun in many ways, all that ‘fun’ would throw our kiddos for a loop!  After the anticipation of the special events and having all the said ‘fun’, we’d spend the next few days recouping from the ‘holiday crash.’ 

Each year, we’d cross our fingers hoping things would just work out and our kids would go with the flow. But that rarely happened. It was the same ol’ pressure cooker of events. The lack of routine, uncomfortable clothes, large groups, noisy atmosphere, different foods, late evenings — it was all too much for our kids.  They’d have fun for a little while, and then the day would begin to unravel. They would begin to cry and tantrum, be difficult, consume too much sugar, become overstimulated and ultimately get in the car and cry the whole way home from being over tired and uncomfortable in their own skin.  The next few days would be spent trying to get back on a schedule and sort out a dysregulated sensory system.

We felt so much pressure on us as parents — more than likely, all in our heads, but nonetheless, we felt the pressure!  Trying to manage the tantrums, listening to everyone’s ‘best parenting tips’, getting upset with our kids’ behavior (and each other!) and wondering why we were failing, what were we doing wrong, and what was wrong with our kids?  

Nothing. There was nothing wrong with our children. There was also nothing wrong with us as parents. We just needed to be more ‘strength-focused’ and aware of our abilities as a family.  We needed to be clear on our values and priorities, and feel comfortable and confident with our own parenting decisions. We needed to take some time to prepare our mindset and have a better perspective for the day ahead.

The main idea surrounding the holiday season is CONNECTION!  If you’re putting out fires all day, feeling stressed, overwhelmed and stretching yourself too thin, well then, you’re missing the point of the season. 

Are you looking to prepare your mindset and have a better perspective on the day?  Are you interested in handling tense situations with grace and clarity?  I’ve created three self-reflection questions to help you prepare your family for a better experience.


How can you prepare yourself to feel comfortable and grounded in your decisions and your parenting this holiday season?  Can you...
  • Keep in mind your values and priorities?
  • Remember you are the parent and know your children best?
  • Understand that you are not responsible for how other adults choose to react to their feelings?
  • Prepare for unsolicited advice with a kind remark that appreciates how others choose to parent while affirming your own choices?
  • Find a way to incorporate small moments of self-care into the day? (Step outside for some quiet, practice your breathing, etc.)

How can you shift your mindset and have a better perspective this holiday season? Can you…
  • Remind yourself that holding boundaries is a form of self-care?
  • Find a mantra that gives you peace and clarity?
  • Keep in mind, if your child is challenging, it’s because she is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time?
  • Allow yourself some grace if things don’t go as planned?

How can you make the day easier for yourself and your child?  
Can you…
  • Work your arrival/departure around your child’s sleep schedule?
  • Remember this is not forever? Lean into the change of routine knowing this is temporary. You will turn this ship right-side-up again soon.
  • Plan for breaks (take a walk, find a quiet room for a book, etc)?
  • Help prevent a sensory overload? Consider packing a cozy change of clothes, some familiar foods &/or noise-canceling headphones?

Allow these questions to guide you, and ultimately, trust your gut!  You know what is best for your family and what you can manage. When you are true to yourself and your immediate family’s needs, the time you spend with loved ones can feel much more special and meaningful. 

One more thing - if you're looking for ways to connect with your kids, download my free e-booklet here!  You'll find 10 tips to help you connect with your children to help keep behavior from escalating. It could come in handy this holiday season!  

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    Rebecca Murphy, Certified PCI® Parent Coach.
    Keepin' it Real in the Jersey 'burbs with my hubby and 2 kids.


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