After-School Meltdown Survival Kit September can feel like a wrecking ball! We quickly switch gears from 'summer-easy-breezy-anything-goes' mode to 'back-to-school-homework-sports-schedules-and-all-the-things' mode.
How are you feeling with shifting gears and having your kids back to school now? I know I’ve had a combination of all the feels! I’m feeling sad that time is moving so quickly, and excited about my kids’ journey. I’m feeling lonely without my sidekicks around, and happy to have time alone and get more focused with work and projects. All the feels are ok! Even for our kids! I remember when my now Senior used to have the hardest time at the start of each school year. We did all the things to prepare her, but the fear of the unknown and fear of separation were just too overbearing for her. There were tears and school professionals who’d intervene to get her into the building, and within a small amount of time, I’d receive the call from the principal that things were going smoothly. My daughter had acclimated and was being her sweet, pleasant, happy self for her teacher and classmates. At 3 o’clock, I would be waiting at the door for my bubbly girl. She would come out with her big ol’ backpack and a bright smile. We’d hug and start walking home when…the tears would start to flow, the complaints of the day would start pouring out of her mouth, she'd become suuuuper argumentative, and there was nothing I could say or do to make things right. Total dysregulation. (low frustration tolerance, meltdowns, bouncing off the walls, overly physical play, very emotional) Has this ever happened to your child? They have a great day at school, and as soon as they see you, they completely fall apart? You are in good company, my friend. ‘Restraint collapse’ happens to so many of our kids - there just aren’t enough parents talking about it! When kids use a good amount of their resources and energy to ‘hold it together’ and tolerate all the expectations of school, they are bottling up a lot of pressure! So, when they finally get to their safe space, AKA - YOU! The bottle cap pops and releases all that pent up energy! It’s totally normal, and there are some things you can do to support your child…and yourself…when this happens. With awareness and practice, you will be able to teach your child how to manage all these big feelings and pressures throughout the day! Here are 3 tips to help you & your kiddo work through after-school restraint collapse. 1. What is your mindset around Restraint Collapse? This is dysregulation…not a tantrum. The body is in a state of overwhelm. Your child is not trying to give you a hard time, your child is having a hard time. In your mind, try to separate your child from the problem so you can work as a team towards solutions. This is just a moment in time that will not last forever. And, by supporting your child through these tough moments, you will be strengthening your connection and building trust. 2. How can you hold space for your child’s feelings? We all need a safe space to vent when we’re feeling overwhelmed. Allow your child to vent away while you respond with empathetic phrases and hear and affirm their feelings. That might sound like, “Ugh, that sounds tricky.” or, “It’s ok to be upset, we’ll work this out.” 3. What are some ways you can support your child to help them get regulated again?
Lastly, it’s important to recognize that your child's dysregulation may feel hard for you to manage and navigate. This is totally normal! Many parents can feel triggered and set off by their child’s big emotions. Keep in mind, your child is going to need your calm to help them regulate their emotions and feel better…which is why it’s so important for you to have enough calm to share! Engage in some small moments of self care prior to picking up your children from school each day. This could be as simple as listening to music while driving home or taking a quick walk around the block before getting back in the car with kids in tow. Take a deep breath, remember this is just a moment, and you’ve got this! Here’s to a successful school year full of growth and connection!
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The Ultimate Road Trip: Accelerating towards Family Fun! Buckle up, parents, because we’re about to embark on the wildest adventure of all — the family road trip!
Going on a family road trip can be both exciting and daunting. It's a chance to create unforgettable memories with your loved ones, but it also requires a lot of planning and preparation. I’m here to share some tips, activities, and fun ideas to make your family road trip an unforgettable experience. Whether you're traveling across the country or just taking a short weekend getaway, I’ve got you covered. So, pack your bags, buckle up, and get ready for an adventure. Check your Blind Spots! Are you hemming and hawing over the long drive ahead, or are you embracing it as part of the adventure? Let's dig a little deeper with these coaching questions & get you in the right mindset for your adventure. What's the vibe you're sending? How are you portraying the drive to your family? Is it a chore? A means to an end? Or rather, is it an adventure? Is this where your holiday begins? Kids are so intuitive and pick up on whatever you're putting down. So, why not set the tone for positivity? Let them know how you're looking forward to this stretch of the trip. Which leads me to… Can you view the challenge as an opportunity? I get it. It's a long time in the car with little people who will have many needs, be bored, need to stop for bathroom breaks & holler ‘are we there yet’ an endless amount of times. …AND… it's also a time that you will have a captive audience and a chance to connect. How can you use this as an opportunity to:
If I'm being real here, this is the hardest part of a road trip for me. There are so many things OUT of our control -- traffic & how everyone else will act while in the car for starters! I find it helpful to know what I can control -- like having good snacks, an even better playlist, being comfortable…AND …controlling my perception & how I respond to problems and things out of my control! There's a good chance those tough moments will turn into fun family ”Do you remember the time…” stories you will all laugh and bond over someday. Roadblock Safety Concerns! 🛑 It’s always a good idea to be proactive and prepared for any potential issues. Tune Up your Car — Give your car a once over before hitting the road! Check your tires, brakes, windshield wipers & fluids. Pack a tire gauge, tire lock key, fix a flat, and portable battery pack. Don’t forget your important documents like registration/insurance. Pack a Hygiene Kit - First Aid Kit, wipes, ziploc bags (for soiled clothes or messes that need containing!), hand sanitizer, small shopping bags (for garbage and/or car sickness), travel mouthwash, tide stick, anti-nausea meds and eye moisturizing drops (for contact lens wearers like me!) Check the weather…for your entire route! The weather may be very different on the way to your destination. Be prepared for any rain/storms anticipated along the way. This could give you time to plan an alternate route or take a food break while the storm passes. Rest stop hack - When nature calls, consider stopping at a hotel to use their public facilities. The bathrooms are always cleaner than a highway rest stop and rarely busy (and a little safer!). Bonus → There are usually shops nearby for coffee and snacks! Know your route - Plan ahead to know when & where to take rest stops. You can use apps like roadtrippers or playgroundbuddy to find an area that has some sightseeing or space for a good stretch of the legs. Cruisin’ for a Wheely Good Time! Pack a Bag - Have your kids fill a backpack with their own (non-messy!) must haves. Items like crayons, paper, writing tablet, activity/sticker books, wikkistix, a favorite book, and a lovie that can double as a pillow. What are you listening to? Put together a killer playlist, find a great family audiobook or podcast, we’ve even listened to clean comedians (like Jim Gaffigan) during our drives. It keeps everyone engaged, singing & laughing. ABC’s of Your Trip - Label a paper A - Z. As you ride along, try to notice something to represent each letter. (ambulance, boat, car wash, etc) You can play this individually, competitively or as a family. For another way to play - on your drive home, create a list from A to Z of vacation memories! Have your kids make pictures to match the memory and make a photo book of it! More Activities - There are so many classic games to play in the car. You can download my Road Trip Bingo here. I also love so many of the Melissa & Doug games. They have so many great car activities like the license plate game, hangman and scratch art. You can have your kids track your travels on GoogleMaps. And lastly, check with your local library for apps like Hoopla for streaming e-books, audio and videos. And, that wraps it up, fearless road warriors! I hope these tips and tricks have filled your toolkit with all the essentials for an epic family road trip adventure! Buckle up, stay alert and let the laughter fuel your journey. Searching for Glimmers of Joy So, it turns out I’m kind of a cutting edge groundbreaker! 🤣
I recently saw a reel on Instagram that talked about ‘glimmers,’ and it struck me that I TOTALLY take notice of glimmers — I just never knew they had a name!! Are you curious about glimmers? I was, too! Licensed clinical social worker, Deb Dana, coined the term ‘glimmers’ in her book, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. Dana explained that glimmers are the opposite of triggers. Rather than a cue that prepares your body to take action in order to stay safe (think, fight or flight), a glimmer cues your body for calm and safety (think, rest & digest). Glimmers activate the parasympathetic nervous system and move the body into a feeling of safety and connection. Why is this important to me?? So many clients come to me struggling with balance - kids, work, daily routines, etc. They feel like they are putting out fires all day long and not experiencing the joy in parenting. And, because of that, their tolerance level is paper thin. How do we increase tolerance? By lowering our stress levels. How do we lower our stress levels? Well, one way is to allow more joy into our lives…More micro-moments of self care. This idea around Glimmers is a reminder that there is so much joy out there that goes unnoticed - we just have to look for it! Your brain is wired to find the challenges and dangers in life. It’s time to retrain your brain to find the good and the joy in your days! Here’s how I take notice of glimmers - When I notice myself feeling fully connected with what I'm doing, who I’m with or where I am, I take a mental screenshot. I check in with my heart and my senses to pay close attention to all the sensations I’m experiencing at that very moment — the way the sun feels, the sounds of laughter, the feeling of connectedness with my family, the colors of the sky…whatever it may be, I just pause and allow myself to recognize, process and take it allllll in! I use this little hack as one of my self-care practices. It’s quick, easy, doesn’t cost a dime and brings me peace and joy. In the moment, glimmers allow me to slow down and savor an experience. They remind me to delight in the present, count my blessings and remember that all things are passing. Glimmers also allow me to revisit all those special spaces. When I need a little pick-me-up, I can pause and ‘open’ one of my glimmers. In an instant, I’m reconnected with all those feelings once again! I’m guessing you could easily rattle off a list of things that trigger you. That would make sense since the human brain is designed to watch for warning signals to keep us safe. Because of this, it takes a bit of work to spy glimmers in our everyday lives. We have to be more intentional to spot them. Ready to start finding glimmers in your day? Here are 5 tips to get you started! 1- Put down your phone! — Stop occupying every free moment with a scroll. Just slow down and take the time to check in on yourself and your surroundings. 2- Practice mindfulness — When you’re noticing a moment full of joy and connection, pause and soak it all in! Get in touch with your senses to bottle up all those sensations. 3- Break out your photos — Looking through photos could bring you back to special moments and spark some glimmer into your day. I can still feel the warm water and the soft sand as my son and I searched for sea glass during our sunrise walk in the photo above! 4- Essential Oils & Candles — Find a candle or essential oil that smells like the beach or a favorite past vacation. Scents can trigger memories and quickly bring you to your happy place. 5- Challenge Yourself — Try and fill your day finding glimmers rather than triggers. Can you find small glimmers as you go through your day? How can you challenge yourself to take notice of a glimmer in the smallest moments? Maybe a cup of coffee, a friendly stranger, a cozy blanket, or snuggles with your child or pet? What you focus on grows! If you actively look for glimmers throughout your day, you will certainly be more open to spotting them. Include them into your self-care routine and help bring yourself to a calmer state. What a gift for your parasympathetic nervous system and YOU! I wonder where will you find glimmers in your day? Happy glimmer hunting! Are Your Child's Meltdowns Melting YOU Down? Can you recall a time you were having a problem with your child? Perhaps a situation when you were both focused on an agenda — two completely different agendas, that is! (Yours being the more rational agenda, of course — I see you, parents!) Maybe your particular struggle is sibling rivalry, breaking away from screens or just getting out of the house on time…maybe it’s ALL of these things! Whatever struggle you're facing with your child, you do your best to handle it. But does it feel like you are just stuck in an endless loop of frustration and yelling with your child? If this sounds familiar, I’d like to tell you that this is totally normal and happens to ALL of us! Nobody is perfect. Parenting is hard. Kids push all the right buttons at all the wrong times. And yet, there is hope! If your child’s meltdowns are melting you down, I have a few thoughts and ideas for you. Separate the problem from your child Your child is not the problem, your child is having a problem. Brain development and sensory integration play a big role in your child’s meltdowns — keep in mind, tantrums are a totally normal part of development! Children don't have the life experience or tools to recognize, anticipate, manage and/or regulate big emotions that can lead to meltdowns. When you separate the problem from your child, it’s easier to see yourselves as teammates ready to work towards solutions together. Reframe your thoughts Quick tip → The next time you're feeling frustrated with your child, try reframing your thoughts to a more positive mindset.  Why is this important? When you shift your thoughts to a more positive outlook, you work within a growth mindset. Your brain becomes open to creative ideas and solutions rather than getting stuck in feelings of helplessness. A positive mindset increases empathy and understanding towards others which can help strengthen your relationships. This practice will help you connect with your child. And, perhaps most importantly, your words matter! They will become your child’s inner voice. Maintaining a positive outlook will encourage you to model words of hope and possibility for your child. How do I start? Try these three steps: 1) Slow Down! Notice when your mind starts to percolate and engages in negative thoughts. 2) Pause! Is this an emergency or can you pause for a quick calming moment of self care and clarity? 3) Tap into Compassionate Self Talk! Be patient with yourself, you are breaking a cycle here! Can you think of something you would say to your best friend at this moment? What calming words would you want to hear from a friend? You’ve got this! Reframing your thoughts is not something that happens overnight, it's something that requires practice and dedication. Reframing your thoughts is key to finding some clarity over tough moments. The goal isn’t perfection, it’s learning how to navigate tough situations as best you can. You don’t have control over your children, but you can control the way you see your children, your thoughts around your situation and the way you respond. What will you choose? Those 5 Dreaded Words: "You're Going To Miss This!" “You’re going to miss this!” is probably not the encouragement you were hoping for while trying to survive a difficult parenting moment with a shred of dignity and grace.
Those five dreaded words, ‘You’re going to miss this’. While this phrase may be accurate, these five words can leave a parent feeling guilty for not enjoying every single moment of parenting. (Newsflash, we were not created to enjoy every single moment of parenting!) Parenthood is made up of many different phases — I like to call them seasons. While every season will stretch your limits and expand your heart, they will also challenge you in unique ways. There will be seasons that will pass by quickly, while others will have you questioning if you’ll be stuck there forever! You cannot control how quickly you will move through a season, but you can control how you perceive each season. Rather than looking back with rose-colored glasses, you could choose to see the good while living in the moment. You might be asking yourself HOW? How do I uncover the good while amid such a tiring and stressful season of parenting? It’s not about sugar-coating or turning a blind eye to the hard moments. But what if you could soften the edges a bit to keep your eyes fixed on what is truly important? All those moments you’ll want to remember and celebrate - the bonding, the smiles, the accomplishments and growth - your child’s and your own! It is possible for two things to be true: Parenting is hard AND parenting has many joyful moments. How can you weather through the hard seasons that are constantly changing while being able to enjoy the small moments? As you go through your days, rather than thinking of those five dreaded words, maybe you could consider these five helpful tips! 1. Find the truths. It may feel easier to spot what is hard right now, but where are the other truths? What is also happening?
2. Find the opportunity rather than the responsibility. Reframing your ‘chores’ into an opportunity can help shift your mindset.
3. Reframe & shift your perspective. Remind yourself this is a season and it will pass.
4. Reflect and find the good in your situation. Ask yourself:
5. Allow yourself some grace. Things will never be *perfect* Let go of perfection and live in the abundance of *enough*
These five tips will help you shift your mindset and find the good in the tough moments. Being more aware of those sweet moments will help you fill your ‘gratitude bank’ and help ease the stressors of difficult seasons. And, while we’re on the topic of shifting mindsets and finding the good on our parenting journeys, I have five other words to offer you. Rather than, “You’re going to miss this,” let’s start saying, “You’re doing a great job!” and “You will get through this!” Because BOTH things are true! Just Buy The Sliced Fruit |
AuthorRebecca Murphy, Certified PCI® Parent Coach. Categories
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September 2023
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