I’m a big believer in ‘finding the good’ in a situation but have really been lacking in finding the good in myself lately.  It’s all about that measuring stick — always measuring up to some imaginary mark.  And, while I usually don’t play that game, (or shall I say, I’ve been getting much better at not playing that game), I feel like I keep getting sucked in.  

What am I getting sucked into, you ask? Measuring up against myself!  As I reflect on the last 14+ months, I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the “should haves/could haves.”  I’m concerned I haven’t made the most of our time during the ‘stay at home’ period, and I’m feeling guilty about all the ‘stuff’ I haven’t tackled.  My brain tells me I did my best (as we all did) given the circumstances. But in my heart, I can’t help to feel as if I’ve failed. 

While my family was fortunate and didn’t experience any hardships during the shutdown (for which I am completely grateful), we certainly didn’t make the most of the time home.  While some families took advantage of the remote learning and traveled creating pandemic memories, we were more conservative and stayed home. We didn’t get a COVID dog or add on to our family. My basement was not reorganized, I didn’t clear out any closets or sort through the drawers.  Nor did I experiment with any recipes in the kitchen. And, although we were together pretty much 24/7, it felt like we had less quality time as a family than ever before. 

Then, I read this New York Times piece, “12 Moms and Their Secret Strengths,”  and it was just EVERYTHING to me.  It’s a collection of essays that allows us to drop the “I didn’t” or the “I’m not good at” statements.  Instead, it encourages us to find the qualities that identify us as great parents.  We each bring something special and unique to our own families...let’s celebrate that!

It was a reminder to adjust my perspective and start focusing on the positives.  Rather than perseverating on how I haven’t measured up, I began to hone in on all that I HAVE accomplished and found an appreciation for the mother that I am to my children. 

When I pause and let my inner judge rest, I can start to peel back the layers and really see below the surface. When I allow myself some grace and reframe my feelings around our time spent during the pandemic, I can see where my superpowers kicked in, allowing me to remember that I am exactly what my family needs. 

Wondering about my Superpowers?  Here are a few I’ve discovered- 

Chaos Coordinator- 

• I was able to keep everyone safe and relatively happy through the chaos and uncertainty in the COVID world. 
• I remembered the importance of self-care which helped me stay focused and calm throughout said chaos.
• I was intentional with my family’s time, carefully managing the delicate balance of family time, alone time, work time, remote learning time, outside time, and all the ‘times’ we needed to get in each day!

Connection Builder- 

• Tapped into my “I hear you” practice x100 to really allow my kids space to feel heard and understood while they tried to make sense of everything that wasn’t making too much sense to any of us!
• Found some time each day to do a fun activity with the family - even if it was for a small time just to stay connected.  Walks, movie night, fishing, sunset chasing…

The ‘Let’s Do It’ Mom (aka ‘Embarrassing Mom)- 

• I have the ability to keep things light and fun by being unpredictable and silly. And, although my kids think I’m weird, they secretly LOVE it!
• I’m always at the ready to drop sick dance moves and song parodies.
• I’m game for any race or challenge against my kids (who’s competitive??) Having said that, I AM painfully aware of how easy it is to get hurt at my age, so I’ve been somewhat selective with my choices.
• I can magically initiate carpool karaoke by cranking up the radio!

My accomplishments over the past year may not seem like much on paper, but in reality, they have certainly made an impact.  I’ve come to the realization, there will always be closets to organize and projects to tackle.  I’ve decided to let go of the feelings of failure and revel in my pandemic successes as simple as they may seem.  And, I’ll just keep all the closet doors closed for now!

We’re all rockstar parents in our own way.  Where do YOU shine?  What qualities make you a unique parent your family needs and adores?

I challenge YOU to find 10 ways you bring your unique self and specialness to your parenting game.  Heads up: It’s a tough start, but once you get going you may not be able to stop!  Go ahead, grab a piece of paper, start a google doc, open the notes app on your phone, and start your list!  Refer to it often to remember the awesomeness you bring to your family on the daily!

​

Think about your past New Year’s resolutions.  Have you ever kept a resolution just because you ‘told’ yourself to do something new? If so, I’m super impressed! But, many of us need to put some changes in place before the resolution sticks.  For instance, if the resolution is to start going to the gym, you may lay your clothes out and fill a water bottle the night before, perhaps reserve a spot in class or get a training buddy to hold you accountable. In other words, we adjust our environment to reduce the friction and increase our chances for success. 
So, why would it be any different for children? Telling kids to do something new rarely works. How can you support your child to change their behavior in a way that promotes success and independence?  Think of an area your child (and/or you) may be struggling with. If you widen your lens and shift your perspective, can you find one small change in your environment you could implement to get a different (hopefully, more positive) response from your child?

Looking for some ideas?  Let’s discuss - 
Routine - Does your child have a tough time following along with a routine? (getting ready in the morning? Bedtime routine?)

• Is it possible to change up the routine a little to see if things jive better in a different order?
• Could you put a visual schedule in place to help your child be more independent, motivated and confident while getting through the steps of the routine?
• Consider giving your child a choice and allowing some autonomy in the routine: ‘What would you like to do first, eat breakfast or get dressed?’ 

Behavior - For example, is your child melting down during transitions?

• Could your child use more of a warning before switching gears? 
• Could you incorporate natural changes or visual tactics into your transition plan? ‘When the timer goes off in one minute, it’s time to clean up.’ or ‘When the lifeguard says it’s time for adult swim, we will pack up and head home.’ 
• Allow your child to have some input in the transition, “How many turns will you take before we clean up? Three or Four?” 

Following Directions - Does your child have a hard time following through with directions?

• Is your language appropriate for your child’s age? Simple directions, or sometimes just modeling/initiating the behavior could help. 
• Could you make any physical changes in your environment to make the task easier? For instance, if you’re hoping for more independence getting ready to leave the house, could you have shoes, jacket, backpack, etc all in one place near the door when it’s time to go?  Or maybe if your child has a hard time putting away toys, could you limit the amount of toys she has access to - or - use a timer with a ‘ready, set, go’ to make a little game of it? 

While most families have similar struggles, every family is special and unique. Each  family has different backgrounds, upbringings, personalities and values. Because of this, no one solution will ever be a good fit for all families. It’s important to look at your unique situation and tweak small changes that feel right for your family.  What small change could you put in place today to help your child be more successful?   

Knowing your parenting form is about having mindfulness and clarity. It’s about being deliberate and having control over your actions and reactions in order to handle difficult moments in a meaningful way.  With proper parenting form, you have control over tough situations to build character and connection rather than chaos and hurt feelings. As you paddle down turbulent sections of your own river, here are some strategies to help keep you focused on your parenting form:

• Establish Clarity - What is going on in the moment? Is it behavior, anxiety or a heightened sensory system? What resources do you have to help you get through the moment?
• Control - In order to help your child, you will need to have control over YOUR words, actions, reactions, body language, etc. What can you control in yourself and your environment?
• Self Care - Breathing, venting, praying, etc.  What ways can you help yourself get through this difficult moment? 
• Boundaries - Consistency, allow some space, disengage, pause before speaking, remove yourself from the situation. Do you know your boundaries? Have you established what is acceptable or unacceptable?
• Connection - Offering opportunities for your child to feel loved and cared for. “I’m here for you when you’re ready”, offering hugs or a rub on the back, offering help, reminders of past successes, encouragement, reframing the situation for your child.  What are ways you can connect with your child even when YOU are under stress?
• Grace - Allow yourself some permission for imperfect parenting.  It happens to everyone and opens the door for an opportunity to repair and connect with your child. Modeling an apology to your child and forgiving yourself is such an important part of parenting.

Think about your own river of parenting. When you look back on the turbulent sections, are you able to identify any strategies that helped you navigate the rapids?  Do you have a vision of how you might handle the next rough patch?  What tools and strategies do you envision using along the way?  Knowing how to properly use your tools is a great way to prepare for your next journey.

Continue to Pt. 2 of my blog to learn how I put these strategies into action in my own life!

I have a child who struggles with anxiety and a heightened sensory system, and we recently had a messy boat ride down the river of parenting.  It was a looooong, drawn out ride that required me to dig deep, but was all worth it in the end. We made it through the rapids, and while there were a few moments of taking on water, we managed to keep the boat upright and afloat. Here’s the breakdown of our experience and the mindfulness that helped me stay focused on my parenting form along the way...

• Clarity - Even with all the coping strategies we put in place, my kid started reacting to a medical procedure we were getting ready to leave for.  The reaction I’m seeing presents as anxiety- Ok, I can handle this. Wait a minute- the reaction I’m seeing is behavioral- Ok, I can handle this.  Hang on!  The reaction I’m seeing is anxiety AND behavioral at the same time- I cannot handle these reactions well simultaneously! I am realizing this is a total trigger for me and I’m starting to unravel as my boat is taking on water! As words are pouring out of my mouth uncontrollably, my clarity has me pause and reassess the situation: 1) My kid is not on fire. 2) This is not a real emergency — Retreat! Time for me to remove myself and regroup! My kid and I need some space from each other to diffuse what is happening.  
• Disengage & Self Care - I physically remove myself from the situation and purposefully jump in the shower. I have some time to get my thoughts together and figure out how I’m going to proceed so I can be there for my kid without losing it any further.  Additionally, the hot water is calming me and I have some space to rage-whisper-vent in private! 
• Connection & Boundary Setting - After regaining my composure in the shower, I was able to reconnect with my kid. I apologized for losing my cool and then stated, “I realize you are under a lot of pressure right now and I’d like to be more supportive. You can be nervous, but you may not be disrespectful to me. I’m here for you, but I draw the line with disrespect. Is there anything I can do to help you right now?”
• Self Care - Some people breathe, some say a mantra, I try to pray. When I wasn’t talking to my child, I was literally repeating the Hail Mary prayer over and over in my head to help me stay focused and calm.
• Connection - I know my kid likes some space, but also needs physical connection - it’s a tough balance. So, every so often (not too often - don’t want to rock the boat I’m currently bailing out of!) I would check in with my kid to see if there was anything they’d like from me...a hug, some reinforcement, some guidance, help with a coping strategy.  This continues building connection with my child while allowing them some control.
• Self Care - I vent to someone I can trust! When I start feeling my anger bubbling up again, I find a way to release some steam.  Sending a ‘venting/rage’ text to my husband or a trusted friend helps - sometimes, I even check in with my Parent Coach friends! This allows me to release some of my own frustrations without rocking the boat I’m currently bobbing along in.
• Always Connecting - I remind my kid they can do hard things. We have something we call ‘the vault’ where we store past successes.  I start recalling and narating similar successful scenarios so my kid can envision and feel the wins of the past and hopefully, realize they can do it again!
• Boundary- I stay firm with my boundaries and remind my child that I want to be supportive, but will not be a punching bag. I offer alternatives for acceptable ways to release anger.
• Control - I continue to stay calm and mindful of MY reactions to steady to ship here.  My words are nonreactive, my body language is relaxed and non combative, I pause before responding. If I find myself losing my cool again, I find an appropriate way to release my frustration or remove myself from the situation.

Oh my gosh, this rocky rapid lasted over an hour. But, when we finally made it to a quieter part of the river, we were both in a good place without any hard feelings.  We had another successful moment to put in the vault...for both of us!  And, later as we celebrated the success, we recapped some of the highlights to use in the future. 
​
I haven’t always practiced proper parenting form - I may be a parent coach, but that doesn’t make me a perfect parent!  I’ve had (and, still have!) my share of messy moments in parenting.  We are human and there are always moving parts in any relationship, so no situation is ever the same or predictable - the same as any river. The best we can do is know the tools and strategies we have accessible and be mindful of our parenting form.

Picture it — you’re cooking pasta when the pot starts to boil over. It’s quick to become a real mess if you don’t do something about it. So, how do you react? Do you stir the contents to slow the boil or put the lid on to cover the boil? Maybe you’ll do the ol’ wooden stick across the pot to keep the bubbles down (did you know that one??!!) You can try any of those, but you’ll quickly learn that they are just temporary fixes — that starchy water is sure to bubble up in no time and your pasta is going to become a mushy mess. But what if you made a change in the flame, what would happen then? Just by turning that flame down a notch, you would notice the water settling down which keeps the bubbles at bay and allows the pasta to cook gently. 
​
This is something to keep in mind as parents. Not that we’re a pot of heated water about to boil over — although sometimes it feels that way! But more so, to make a difference in our parenting, we need to make changes in our own actions. Would you ever expect to toss some pasta and water together in a pot and have it cook perfectly without doing anything to it? Of course not! Your bowtie pasta doesn’t just know how to prepare itself! You, as the chef, would take the necessary steps to transform that crunchy dehydrated pasta to its wonderful ‘al dente’ potential by creating an ideal situation for the best outcome. The same goes for parenting. We shouldn’t expect our children to just know how to meet our expectations, sometimes we as parents have to initiate a change within ourselves to get things cooking.

When I was getting irritated by my daughter’s nitpicky and witty replies to pretty much anything that came out of my mouth, it took me a little while to see the big picture. I kept reprimanding her for her curtness which just made the situation even more tense — each episode of this brought the pot closer to boiling over. I decided to really take a look at what was going on. How could I make a change that would impact this situation for the better?  One small change I decided to put into action was just listening more. I became more selective with which comments I would respond to. Turns out, I was adding my input and opinions to areas my daughter wasn’t even looking for advice, she was just trying to share or vent. The very act of me being more selective with my commenting, adding my two cents, or even stating, “I have some thoughts on this, would you like to hear them?” made a big difference in our relationship. Within a few days of making this small adjustment, the snarkiness was practically gone and my daughter was becoming even more conversational with me! 

When there is an aspect of your family life that is a little messy or difficult, stirring or covering it up is not going to make the real change you’re looking for. You need to make an adjustment to break the cycle. Making an actual change to the heat is going to make the difference in the overall outcome. The change begins with YOU. It doesn’t have to be a big change - even the smallest adjustment can make a shift happen. I mean, if you think about that boiling pot again, if you made a big adjustment to the flame, the pasta wouldn’t even cook! The small changes are the ones that make a big difference by allowing you to slowly adjust to help make an outcome stick!

I know, I know. Change is not easy nor is it comfortable. But, if the year 2020 has taught us anything, it’s that even though change is hard, change is doable. And, we often find good on the other side of change. Small changes are intentional, small changes are manageable and small changes incite larger changes and put positive outcomes into motion. 

So, let’s do this — what’s boiling over or about to boil over in your life? Do you feel like you’re a broken record with your kids? Does your bedtime routine need some revamping?  Does your day feel like it’s in hyperdrive and you need to find a way to slow the pace? Whatever it may be, take a step back and look at the situation from a different angle. What’s one thing you can do to make a small change in the routine? How can you turn the heat down a few notches and allow your situation to simmer down?

​

I feel like people are generally in one of two self care camps — they either practice it or feel like there’s no way they could fit it into their current schedule. Which camp are you in? 

I was totally in the ‘no way’ camp for a long time. I take that back...I was in a third camp titled, ‘no time for it in my schedule until I’m about to break.’  Anyone else in this camp?  This one is tricky because since you indulge in an activity every now and then, you FEEL like you’re indulging in self care and giving yourself time — which you are, but that’s generally not the self care that will sustain you through your everyday tasks.

Self care is meant to help you feel energized during your every day stress. Ideally, it should be practiced daily — Hold up, Rebecca! Who the heck has time to do that?!?!? — You do! We all do, but first you have to consider it a priority! It’s ok!! Make it a priority!!

Self care doesn’t have to take a ton of time and doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. Self care is simply doing something you enjoy that brings you some energy and clarity.  Now, of course, self care may look differently throughout the stages of your life — a parent of a newborn will probably not have the same level of self care as a parent of a teen.  

Are you asking what your self care should look like? It could be something as simple as getting a cup of coffee from the drive thru while your baby is napping in the backseat. Perhaps it’s bundling your child up to get some time outside for a brisk walk. It could also simply be taking an activity off your calendar to free up some time. It’s those little moments you savor and appreciate that bring you joy.  

I took this photo on my birthday hike - I like to call it the "Treat Yo'Selfie."  The self care piece (aside from the actual hike) was to go without my kids so it was complaint free! 

What small thing can you do for yourself today?

​

Each December, I want my kids to experience all the magic the holiday season has to offer.  And every year we hop on the figurative ‘Polar Express’ to experience a few weeks filled with magic.  It’s always a great ride at the beginning; it’s exciting and filled with anticipation. But as the trip goes on and we experience one fun stop after another, without fail, we find our train stuck at Overstimulation Station!

It’s a safe assumption that most of us struggle with an overwhelmed system now and then. I know that even as an adult, I tend to struggle with the excitement and keeping up with the season. When I think about the hustle and bustle, the social gatherings, and all the typical December pressures, my eyeball begins to twitch.  

Overstimulation can happen any time of year, but why does it seem children meltdown more than ever in December?  The time of year when everything is JUST for them?  Why can’t they just enjoy the ride? Well, simply stated, their little bodies just aren’t developed to handle all the stimuli we as adults ‘can’ handle — especially highly sensitive children. 

Let’s put on our Sensory Glasses to see how all this holiday joy takes our kids on an unwelcome trip to Overstimulation Station.  Tickets, Please!  During this season, kids experience new foods, new smells, new decorations, changes in routine, shopping, noisy & crowded areas.  ANTICIPATION! Santa anxiety — meet with Santa, talk to Santa, take a picture with Santa, Have you been good? Will Santa come to visit me?? Why doesn’t Santa come to visit us? Holiday parties, holiday hustle, holiday music, holiday lights. Winter clothes, scratchy dressy clothes, collars, TIGHTS, hats, puffy coats.  LOTS of sugar, social pressures (take a picture with Aunt so-and-so, hug Uncle so-and-so to say thank you), late nights, extended time in the car traveling, ‘pass the baby’ game so everyone gets to hold the baby...did I miss anything?  I’m sure I missed something!  Children thrive on routine and all things expected. December is far from that. 

So, what’s going on here? Kids chug along on this train ride just fine until the track suddenly switches rails and you detour to Overstimulation Station.  Let’s drop some science here — The amygdala (uh-mig-duh-luh) is a small part of your brain with the purpose to quickly process and express emotions.  It is located in your lower ‘reptile brain’, the part that manages reflexes like fight or flight.  You can imagine the amygdala like a switch on the train tracks. If your brain processes stimuli comfortably, your train continues chugging along the track, no problem!  However, if the stimuli are misinterpreted or an influx of info comes too rapidly, the reaction triggers the amygdala which quickly switches the tracks sending your brain into survival mode — insert major meltdown here.  The brain is now doing whatever it can to protect itself from the unsettling stimuli. This is when you find yourself at Overstimulation Station.


Once the amygdala switches the tracks, there is no quick detour out of Overstimulation Station.  When our children are in this state, their brains are unable to rationalize what is happening. They typically do not have the words to express their fear or discomfort, and they do not possess the emotional regulation necessary to calm themselves down easily. One solution is to connect with your child to have them feel safe and help ease them back to a calmer state. 

Here are some things to consider as you’re chugging along:

1. Can you identify what triggers your child? Large crowds, noise, unfamiliar settings? Can you look from your child’s perspective with ‘sensory glasses’ to determine what may be triggering him/her?
2. How can you alter your environment or situation to reduce the possibility of triggers?  (Maybe limit your time at an event? Offer headphones with soothing music to buffer noisy areas?)
3. What are some ways you can connect with your child to help calm their heightened state? (Getting to their level? Eye contact? Cuddles? Take a break from the situation?)
4. What are some ways you can prepare yourself to handle a layover at Overstimulation Station? What are some things you can do to help remain calm for your child? (Mentally prepare for the event? Look for help from a spouse, friend or family member? Practice self-care to ensure your ‘tank’ is full?)

We want to do all the things, have all the fun and make all the memories during the holiday season, and it’s hard to slow down the train once it starts revving up.  Sometimes it feels like your train visits this station way too often around the holidays AND even during the rest of the year. In my family, once we started seeing some patterns and identifying triggers, we made some important decisions while planning events.  The choices weren’t always easy, but we trusted our guts to put our child’s needs first which always made such an impact on the quality of our time together.  We were finally able to enjoy holidays and events with much less stress involved.  

Eventually, you and your child will learn how to relax that switch.  As you identify the triggers, you will be able to adjust your surroundings and help your child learn some coping strategies. Sure, you will still experience unexpected detours once in a while, but for the most part, you and your child will just enjoy the ride. 

​