Keepin' it Real Blog

The turkey has been ordered, the soup has been planned, the shopping list has been prepped and the holiday cocktail has been chosen!  Bring on Thanksgiving!  

I usually focus on the word ‘gratitude’ during the Thanksgiving season, but this year I am feeling ‘connection’ as my word for the holiday.  

At the heart of every relationship is connection.  Connection is the energy that draws people together.  It establishes a bond and trust, a foundation that relationships are built upon.  

It’s important to remember that connecting happens in both good and difficult times.  When a friend is going through a tough time, we connect and support them.  But so often, when our kids are having a tough time, we disconnect and expect them to work out big feelings alone. 

Why is connection different with our adult friends than it is with our children?

We all love those magical moments with our kids when we’re bonding and making lifelong memories!  Holidays, family vacations, special events, cuddly time at home...all the warm and fuzzies, yes?

But, what about the not-so-warm and fuzzy moments of parenting?  Getting everyone out the door for school, screen time battles, sibling shenanigans, transition time meltdowns, power struggles, enter your daily parenting struggle here _______ . 

These moments can push us to our limits.  We may find ourselves overwhelmed and frustrated rather than ready to dig deep and connect with our kids.  Surprisingly, these are the moments when our children need us the most!  Kids need the help of parents and caregivers to navigate their big feelings.

Research has shown when we connect with our children on an emotional level, we actually shape the structure and function of their brains.  

When we connect with our children, it helps further brain development, models problem-solving strategies, establishes trust and so much more.

If you’re looking for support to connect with your kids — even during those difficult parenting moments — I have you covered!  I have created a quick read e-booklet with 10 tips to help you connect with your child, even during those tough moments.  You can download your e-booklet here.  

Looking for a quick reference sheet to print out?  Click here for the ‘refrigerator sheet.’

Where does connection come easily for you?  Where do you feel you could focus some more attention?  ​

Halloween can be the perfect storm for children who struggle with changes in routine, social gatherings, crowds, surprises, following directions and/or impulse control. 

The sights and sounds, the anticipation and excitement of the day, large groups of people, and wearing an uncomfortable costume for hours!  Not to mention the pressures associated with trick or treating — running from house to house, talking to strangers and eating your way into a sugar coma!!  

The expectations of the day  —  while considered ‘fun’ to many — may come off as a threat to your child’s sensory and nervous systems.  Once the fight or flight response is activated, watch out for the Halloween overload!  

If you’re looking for some ways to help your child navigate Halloween with less tricks and more treats, I’ve got you covered!  Here are a few things to keep in mind to help you get below the surface of your child’s struggles with Halloween.

​Start with a reframe-
Can you frame the situation in a way that helps you get curious about what’s going on underneath the tantrum, tears, fear or yelling?  Remind yourself that your child is not giving you a hard time with Halloween, your child is having a hard time with Halloween.  The reframe will allow you to feel like you and your child are working as a team towards a solution. 

Connect with your child- 
The anticipation and excitement leading up to Halloween is often accompanied by a slew of mixed emotions.  Excitement can quickly and easily switch to overwhelm!  

Think about those last-minute tears over a costume, “Why are you crying about being Spider-Man??? You’ve wanted to dress as Spider-Man for weeks!!”

Rather than responding with a logical lecture, try connecting with your child to help them sort through their feelings.  When children feel affirmed and understood, their emotional brain will start to feel soothed, allowing your child to start feeling calm.  Connecting with your child builds a foundation that fosters trust, a positive self-image, and open communication.

Looking for some great ways to connect with your child?  Get my free tips here.

Follow your child’s lead-
Is your child pushing back on wearing a costume?  Does your child want to Trick-or-Treat or would they rather stay home and hand out candy to others?  Is it too scary for your child to walk up to a decorated house and speak to strangers?  Does the idea of a school costume parade seem fun or would your child rather be a spectator?  Is the smell and feel of pumpkin innards too overwhelming for your child to make a jackolantern?  

Forcing your child to participate in activities that don’t feel comfortable may lead to further pushback and fear.  Can you allow your child to have some autonomy over the day and choose a level of participation that feels right for them?  

Let your child know how impressed you are with their ability to make good choices that feel right for them.  You may even notice your child step outside their comfort zone when they feel safe and supported!  

By the way, if you’re looking for some easy costume ideas that cater to a child with a heightened sensory system, check out these ideas here.

Make a Plan-
Can you prepare your child for what the day will bring — perhaps even break down the day into smaller chunks and explain what specific events will look and feel like?  Is there any space in the day’s events where you can allow your child some choices?

As you work out your day, put your ‘sensory glasses’ on to anticipate any triggers that may affect your child.  Are there any measures you can take to help reduce your child’s exposure to these triggers?

As you’re planning your Halloween celebrations, consider building in enough quiet and downtime to keep stress low.  For example, your Trick-or-Treat plan may look like this:

• Pack a bag of supplies for trick or treating (flashlight, glow necklace, water bottle, etc) earlier in the day.
• Quiet time before eating an early meal
• Allow yourself ample time to get dressed up and ready to go.
• Work out a route that feels safe, manageable and easy to get home if things don’t go as planned. 

Create boundaries- 
As the parent or caregiver, you will want to establish a boundary around the events of the day.  By envisioning your day and considering your child’s abilities, you may be able to establish boundaries that will help you avoid potential meltdowns.  Keep in mind, you can be loving and affirming to your child’s feelings while still holding a boundary.  

Some boundaries to consider - 

• If you have a child who tends to run ahead, consider bringing a wagon or a stroller as you move safely from house to house. Make it clear to your child when they will be seated for a ride and when it’s ok to walk.
• Know when it’s time to go home.  Do you know how much time your child can last before feeling overwhelmed?  Will you plan your day around mealtime to avoid a hangry child?  Would lit-up street lights be a good visual cue for your child to understand when it’s time to go home?  
• Would your child benefit from taking some breaks?  Can you strategically plan for breaks along your route?  Consider working in bathroom breaks and water breaks to get a few minutes of quiet to help calm the nervous system.

Keep as much routine as possible -
Structure and routine help children feel grounded and safe.  Some children feel lost when the day’s order becomes disrupted.  Is there a way for you to maintain some routine while incorporating the special events of the holiday?  For example, consider finishing up Trick-or-Treating early enough to get home and maintain a regular bedtime routine. 

Don’t forget to take care of yourself!
It is not easy to stay calm when your child is working through some big emotions.  Self-care allows you to parent from a place of abundance rather than frustration.  Can you slow down and find an appreciation for something that brings you joy?  A few deep breaths, a cup of tea, a piece of dark chocolate - you get the idea!  Big indulgences are fun, but these small appreciations can help you find some clarity during a tough moment with your kiddo.

If your child struggles with all things Halloween, keep in mind, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Trust me as a Mom who has been there myself!  

Remember, your child is not giving you a hard time, she is having a hard time managing Halloween. Trust your gut and find what works best for you and your family — even if that means creating new traditions and activities!  With a little planning and mindfulness, you’ll be able to work as a team to make Halloween a treat for all!

​What's your plan to have a spooktacular Halloween?  Leave a comment and let me know which tip may help you the most!   

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I’m a big believer in ‘finding the good’ in a situation but have really been lacking in finding the good in myself lately.  It’s all about that measuring stick — always measuring up to some imaginary mark.  And, while I usually don’t play that game, (or shall I say, I’ve been getting much better at not playing that game), I feel like I keep getting sucked in.  

What am I getting sucked into, you ask? Measuring up against myself!  As I reflect on the last 14+ months, I’m feeling overwhelmed with all the “should haves/could haves.”  I’m concerned I haven’t made the most of our time during the ‘stay at home’ period, and I’m feeling guilty about all the ‘stuff’ I haven’t tackled.  My brain tells me I did my best (as we all did) given the circumstances. But in my heart, I can’t help to feel as if I’ve failed. 

While my family was fortunate and didn’t experience any hardships during the shutdown (for which I am completely grateful), we certainly didn’t make the most of the time home.  While some families took advantage of the remote learning and traveled creating pandemic memories, we were more conservative and stayed home. We didn’t get a COVID dog or add on to our family. My basement was not reorganized, I didn’t clear out any closets or sort through the drawers.  Nor did I experiment with any recipes in the kitchen. And, although we were together pretty much 24/7, it felt like we had less quality time as a family than ever before. 

Then, I read this New York Times piece, “12 Moms and Their Secret Strengths,”  and it was just EVERYTHING to me.  It’s a collection of essays that allows us to drop the “I didn’t” or the “I’m not good at” statements.  Instead, it encourages us to find the qualities that identify us as great parents.  We each bring something special and unique to our own families...let’s celebrate that!

It was a reminder to adjust my perspective and start focusing on the positives.  Rather than perseverating on how I haven’t measured up, I began to hone in on all that I HAVE accomplished and found an appreciation for the mother that I am to my children. 

When I pause and let my inner judge rest, I can start to peel back the layers and really see below the surface. When I allow myself some grace and reframe my feelings around our time spent during the pandemic, I can see where my superpowers kicked in, allowing me to remember that I am exactly what my family needs. 

Wondering about my Superpowers?  Here are a few I’ve discovered- 

Chaos Coordinator- 

• I was able to keep everyone safe and relatively happy through the chaos and uncertainty in the COVID world. 
• I remembered the importance of self-care which helped me stay focused and calm throughout said chaos.
• I was intentional with my family’s time, carefully managing the delicate balance of family time, alone time, work time, remote learning time, outside time, and all the ‘times’ we needed to get in each day!

Connection Builder- 

• Tapped into my “I hear you” practice x100 to really allow my kids space to feel heard and understood while they tried to make sense of everything that wasn’t making too much sense to any of us!
• Found some time each day to do a fun activity with the family - even if it was for a small time just to stay connected.  Walks, movie night, fishing, sunset chasing…

The ‘Let’s Do It’ Mom (aka ‘Embarrassing Mom)- 

• I have the ability to keep things light and fun by being unpredictable and silly. And, although my kids think I’m weird, they secretly LOVE it!
• I’m always at the ready to drop sick dance moves and song parodies.
• I’m game for any race or challenge against my kids (who’s competitive??) Having said that, I AM painfully aware of how easy it is to get hurt at my age, so I’ve been somewhat selective with my choices.
• I can magically initiate carpool karaoke by cranking up the radio!

My accomplishments over the past year may not seem like much on paper, but in reality, they have certainly made an impact.  I’ve come to the realization, there will always be closets to organize and projects to tackle.  I’ve decided to let go of the feelings of failure and revel in my pandemic successes as simple as they may seem.  And, I’ll just keep all the closet doors closed for now!

We’re all rockstar parents in our own way.  Where do YOU shine?  What qualities make you a unique parent your family needs and adores?

I challenge YOU to find 10 ways you bring your unique self and specialness to your parenting game.  Heads up: It’s a tough start, but once you get going you may not be able to stop!  Go ahead, grab a piece of paper, start a google doc, open the notes app on your phone, and start your list!  Refer to it often to remember the awesomeness you bring to your family on the daily!

​

Think about your past New Year’s resolutions.  Have you ever kept a resolution just because you ‘told’ yourself to do something new? If so, I’m super impressed! But, many of us need to put some changes in place before the resolution sticks.  For instance, if the resolution is to start going to the gym, you may lay your clothes out and fill a water bottle the night before, perhaps reserve a spot in class or get a training buddy to hold you accountable. In other words, we adjust our environment to reduce the friction and increase our chances for success. 
So, why would it be any different for children? Telling kids to do something new rarely works. How can you support your child to change their behavior in a way that promotes success and independence?  Think of an area your child (and/or you) may be struggling with. If you widen your lens and shift your perspective, can you find one small change in your environment you could implement to get a different (hopefully, more positive) response from your child?

Looking for some ideas?  Let’s discuss - 
Routine - Does your child have a tough time following along with a routine? (getting ready in the morning? Bedtime routine?)

• Is it possible to change up the routine a little to see if things jive better in a different order?
• Could you put a visual schedule in place to help your child be more independent, motivated and confident while getting through the steps of the routine?
• Consider giving your child a choice and allowing some autonomy in the routine: ‘What would you like to do first, eat breakfast or get dressed?’ 

Behavior - For example, is your child melting down during transitions?

• Could your child use more of a warning before switching gears? 
• Could you incorporate natural changes or visual tactics into your transition plan? ‘When the timer goes off in one minute, it’s time to clean up.’ or ‘When the lifeguard says it’s time for adult swim, we will pack up and head home.’ 
• Allow your child to have some input in the transition, “How many turns will you take before we clean up? Three or Four?” 

Following Directions - Does your child have a hard time following through with directions?

• Is your language appropriate for your child’s age? Simple directions, or sometimes just modeling/initiating the behavior could help. 
• Could you make any physical changes in your environment to make the task easier? For instance, if you’re hoping for more independence getting ready to leave the house, could you have shoes, jacket, backpack, etc all in one place near the door when it’s time to go?  Or maybe if your child has a hard time putting away toys, could you limit the amount of toys she has access to - or - use a timer with a ‘ready, set, go’ to make a little game of it? 

While most families have similar struggles, every family is special and unique. Each  family has different backgrounds, upbringings, personalities and values. Because of this, no one solution will ever be a good fit for all families. It’s important to look at your unique situation and tweak small changes that feel right for your family.  What small change could you put in place today to help your child be more successful?   

Knowing your parenting form is about having mindfulness and clarity. It’s about being deliberate and having control over your actions and reactions in order to handle difficult moments in a meaningful way.  With proper parenting form, you have control over tough situations to build character and connection rather than chaos and hurt feelings. As you paddle down turbulent sections of your own river, here are some strategies to help keep you focused on your parenting form:

• Establish Clarity - What is going on in the moment? Is it behavior, anxiety or a heightened sensory system? What resources do you have to help you get through the moment?
• Control - In order to help your child, you will need to have control over YOUR words, actions, reactions, body language, etc. What can you control in yourself and your environment?
• Self Care - Breathing, venting, praying, etc.  What ways can you help yourself get through this difficult moment? 
• Boundaries - Consistency, allow some space, disengage, pause before speaking, remove yourself from the situation. Do you know your boundaries? Have you established what is acceptable or unacceptable?
• Connection - Offering opportunities for your child to feel loved and cared for. “I’m here for you when you’re ready”, offering hugs or a rub on the back, offering help, reminders of past successes, encouragement, reframing the situation for your child.  What are ways you can connect with your child even when YOU are under stress?
• Grace - Allow yourself some permission for imperfect parenting.  It happens to everyone and opens the door for an opportunity to repair and connect with your child. Modeling an apology to your child and forgiving yourself is such an important part of parenting.

Think about your own river of parenting. When you look back on the turbulent sections, are you able to identify any strategies that helped you navigate the rapids?  Do you have a vision of how you might handle the next rough patch?  What tools and strategies do you envision using along the way?  Knowing how to properly use your tools is a great way to prepare for your next journey.

Continue to Pt. 2 of my blog to learn how I put these strategies into action in my own life!