Navigating Parenting with Proper Form (Pt II: My Story)

I have a child who struggles with anxiety and a heightened sensory system, and we recently had a messy boat ride down the river of parenting.  It was a looooong, drawn out ride that required me to dig deep, but was all worth it in the end. We made it through the rapids, and while there were a few moments of taking on water, we managed to keep the boat upright and afloat. Here’s the breakdown of our experience and the mindfulness that helped me stay focused on my parenting form along the way...

• Clarity - Even with all the coping strategies we put in place, my kid started reacting to a medical procedure we were getting ready to leave for.  The reaction I’m seeing presents as anxiety- Ok, I can handle this. Wait a minute- the reaction I’m seeing is behavioral- Ok, I can handle this.  Hang on!  The reaction I’m seeing is anxiety AND behavioral at the same time- I cannot handle these reactions well simultaneously! I am realizing this is a total trigger for me and I’m starting to unravel as my boat is taking on water! As words are pouring out of my mouth uncontrollably, my clarity has me pause and reassess the situation: 1) My kid is not on fire. 2) This is not a real emergency — Retreat! Time for me to remove myself and regroup! My kid and I need some space from each other to diffuse what is happening.  
• Disengage & Self Care - I physically remove myself from the situation and purposefully jump in the shower. I have some time to get my thoughts together and figure out how I’m going to proceed so I can be there for my kid without losing it any further.  Additionally, the hot water is calming me and I have some space to rage-whisper-vent in private! 
• Connection & Boundary Setting - After regaining my composure in the shower, I was able to reconnect with my kid. I apologized for losing my cool and then stated, “I realize you are under a lot of pressure right now and I’d like to be more supportive. You can be nervous, but you may not be disrespectful to me. I’m here for you, but I draw the line with disrespect. Is there anything I can do to help you right now?”
• Self Care - Some people breathe, some say a mantra, I try to pray. When I wasn’t talking to my child, I was literally repeating the Hail Mary prayer over and over in my head to help me stay focused and calm.
• Connection - I know my kid likes some space, but also needs physical connection - it’s a tough balance. So, every so often (not too often - don’t want to rock the boat I’m currently bailing out of!) I would check in with my kid to see if there was anything they’d like from me...a hug, some reinforcement, some guidance, help with a coping strategy.  This continues building connection with my child while allowing them some control.
• Self Care - I vent to someone I can trust! When I start feeling my anger bubbling up again, I find a way to release some steam.  Sending a ‘venting/rage’ text to my husband or a trusted friend helps - sometimes, I even check in with my Parent Coach friends! This allows me to release some of my own frustrations without rocking the boat I’m currently bobbing along in.
• Always Connecting - I remind my kid they can do hard things. We have something we call ‘the vault’ where we store past successes.  I start recalling and narating similar successful scenarios so my kid can envision and feel the wins of the past and hopefully, realize they can do it again!
• Boundary- I stay firm with my boundaries and remind my child that I want to be supportive, but will not be a punching bag. I offer alternatives for acceptable ways to release anger.
• Control - I continue to stay calm and mindful of MY reactions to steady to ship here.  My words are nonreactive, my body language is relaxed and non combative, I pause before responding. If I find myself losing my cool again, I find an appropriate way to release my frustration or remove myself from the situation.

Oh my gosh, this rocky rapid lasted over an hour. But, when we finally made it to a quieter part of the river, we were both in a good place without any hard feelings.  We had another successful moment to put in the vault...for both of us!  And, later as we celebrated the success, we recapped some of the highlights to use in the future. 
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I haven’t always practiced proper parenting form - I may be a parent coach, but that doesn’t make me a perfect parent!  I’ve had (and, still have!) my share of messy moments in parenting.  We are human and there are always moving parts in any relationship, so no situation is ever the same or predictable - the same as any river. The best we can do is know the tools and strategies we have accessible and be mindful of our parenting form.